Newport Bad News Haiku

How great his greatness?
Do you know why sand is small?!
Some q's unsolveable.

Sweet God, make it happen...

http://fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/view/5378

I mean, I'd miss D-Lee. But that's about it. Get your tix for the parade now sons!!!

We're Begging You, David

Last night you got what you wanted: LeBron James finally made the finals, beating the boring, non-revenue creating Pistons. You avoided another 2005 Finals, the lowest rated in history. Now, you have the Cavs against the almost universally hated bum-ass Spurs with Timmy Duncan, the coward you have tried to market for the last ten years. You know he can speak English, isn't a degenerate and doesn't jump into the stands to knock out fans. He is your dream, and you will stop at nothing to let him become the face of the NBA. Hell, you even personally decided the Spurs/Suns series in his favor after Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw enacted human instinct to jump out of their seats when Robert Horry hip-checked their MVP leader into the boards when the game was out of reach. So, now that LeBron will give you your ratings, I am begging you to continue your corruption and allow LeBron to get the calls you gave Michael, and let the Spurs be Michael's Pistons - the squad that has to lose so Lebron, and you, win.

We know you've done it in the past, David. We know that since 1980, only two NBA Finals have not involved the Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Detroit Pistons, New York Knicks, Houston Rockets or Los Angeles Lakers (2003 and 2006). Additionally, only six NBA Finals since 1980 have not involved Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan or Shaquille O'Neal (1990, 1994, 1999, 2003, and 2005). You love your superstars. And why not? They make you money and give the fans something interesting to watch. We know you gave Michael Jordan the option to retire so his gambling wouldn't come into light and embarrass the biggest star in the game, maybe even the world. We weren't surprised when Michael pushed off in Game 6 in 1998 and the offensive foul wasn't called. We came to expect that you wouldn't let Michael lose. And even if our teams were the ones who got screwed along the way, we still had respect for Michael. I mean, he is the greatest player of all time.

But you didn't stop there, David. We know that in 2001 you were one series away from a ratings paradise, Philadelphia and pariah Allen Iverson against Kobe, Shaq and Phil Jackson. Philly versus L.A., your dream come true. Just one problem, the Milwaukee Bucks were the better team. You fined Glenn Robinson, Ray Allen and Sam Cassell for complaining about the grave disparity in fouls called in the series (the Sixers went to the line 67 times more than the Bucks). You were seen cheering for the Sixers at a game, you personally upgraded Scot Williams' flagrant 1 foul on Iverson to a flagrant 2 in Game 6, thus suspending Williams for game 7, and, surprisingly never explained the fines you levied. You got your wish. The Bucks couldn't overcome the Sixers AND you, and so you got your Sixers/Lakers Finals, and, more importantly, your ratings.

We know the very next year in 2002 you were again faced with this dilemma, as a small market team - the Sacramento Kings were better than the superstar Lakers who were going for three in a row, the first team to do so since Michael's Bulls. And so you worked your magic. In Game 6 with the Kings up 3 games to 2, you called a late game foul on Mike Bibby AFTER he was bleeding from a Kobe Bryant elbow. You let the Lakers shoot a staggering 27 free throws in the fourth quarter. And, again, your team won. And even if the Lakers swept the grossly outmatched Nets, the ratings were good...what do you care about the end result after all?

We know that you instructed the refs to call more fouls on Yao in 2005. I mean, you fined Jeff Van Gundy $100,000 for stating this fact for Christ's sake (of course, the Rockets lost that series). In 2006 you had to be very careful. You couldn't let Mark Cuban, your most fined NBA owner in history to win a title, especially after all the times he has embarrassed you. When the Mavs went up 2-0 against the Heat you had to act...quick. And so you called in the big dogs, suspending Jerry Stackhouse for Game 5 after barely altering Shaq's fast break layup. Then, in an act of utter brilliance, you convinced the refs to look away in Game 5 when Wade caught the ball on an inbounds pass in the back court after already having been in the front court. Of course, this is a violation. Then, as Wade drove on Novitzki and knocked Dirk to the floor, you called a foul on Dirk. Not to be outdone, your boys forced the Mavs to take a time-out after Josh Howard motioned for a timeout during Wade's free throws to Avery Johnson, to see what the coach wanted to do. Of course, with no time outs the Mavs lost and eventually lost the series. A close one indeed, but those three simultaneous crimes you allowed in Game 5 were infamous. Good for you - your nemesis Cuban didn't get his title.

So now, since you let the Spurs defeat the Suns and the Cavs have done the improbable, you have a decision to make. Will you continue your infatuation with boring-ass Tim Duncan and allow Bruce Bowen to elbow LeBron with no penalties? Will you T-up the Spurs when they complain after every call after you swore a no tolerance policy with arguing with the officials prior to last year? Or, will you realize LeBron just might be the next Jordan and let HIM win like you let Michael overcome the Pistons, and begin his run to glory? We will see what happens. We will watch when Bowen gives LeBron a cheap shot close line or steps under Lebron's ankles, as he's done before. We will watch when LeBron travels en route to a game winner like he did last year against Washington.

We all know you can, and will decide the outcome of the series. Most of us want you to favor LeBron this year, as we are tired of the Spurs and their constant benefit of your decisions. Let him be the next Michael, something you have yearned for since his retirement. You may even cherish that more than your precious ratings. We're begging you.

Arnold and Sarge Lively Blazed by Team D-Wright

After months of taunts, trash talking and guarantees, Geef, Santi, Arnold and Sarge took the court for the first annual Memorial Day Slaughter-fest. It was never close.

Team D-Wright came out of the gates swinging, led by Santi's 15 assists, 10 steals and 8 rebounds. Geef took Sarge to the hole all night, blazing him with a fine display of post moves the lefty had never seen before. Geef finished with 15 points, 20 rebounds and 8 steals.

"We never had a chance. I mean, I thought we would at least score a point, but they were too ill." - Sarge (0-32)

The 15-0 first game was even surprising to team D-Wright, who although they knew they would win, did not foresee this masacre.

"I figured since they said we wouldn't score against them they would at least score one point. Honestly, it looked like they had never played before" - Santi

"Well, I've played one-on-one agaisnt Arnold many times and it has always been ugly for him. I thought Sarge would give him a boost...I was wrong." - Geef

Equally as confusing were the pre-game taunts made by the Lively boys. Sarge claimed his opponents would "crawl back to the beach", and Arnold stated that he "wouldn't miss a shot".

"What can I say? Brad's shot was on, he was dominating me on the boards and I couldn't keep him in front of me. We got Blazed." - Sarge

"I don't think those two will ever lose a 2 on 2 match." - Arnold (0-23)

The second game was more of the first, with the Lively's demanding breaks and pleading with the ref to force team D-Wright to play with their off hands. The ref wouldn't budge.

"They were complaining like Iverson out there. I just told them to lose with class." - JTG

Even the Lively parents couldnt belive it.

"Team D-Wright made my boys cry in the car ride home." - Mr. Lively

Alsmost as soon as it was over the Lively boys demanded a rematch. More information will be given on the date of the second massacre.

Team Bald Posts Unprecendented 14-0 Horseshoe Record

"We were blinded by the reflection of their heads" - Dot

In a violent display of brutal HR (horseshoe relations), Geef and JTG effectively renamed Gibson Court with a dizzying array of ringers, leaner's and devastating celebrations.

No team felt the wrath more than Team Glorified Puerto Ricans, who posted a putrid 0-5 record against the Q-Ball kids.

"We feel like the Turks at Thermopylae - bested by a superior race" - Peltz

The massacre began on Saturday and continued into the Sunday hours, with numerous opponents attempting to dethrone the champs. Close as they were, they inevitably all felt the cold sting of defeat.

"I don't understand. We were up 20-1. Before i knew it, Geef had 6 ringers, Jared had 5 leaner's and the next thing I knew they were violently celebrating. They were Gods." - Dugan

Much like the Spartans' victorious battle chants, Team Bald would humiliate slain opponents with celebrations that lasted for minutes, included fakes, high fives and stern hand shakes. The fans were enamored.

"I always knew Team Bald was the best at horseshoes. I never knew they were the ill celebrators" - Mrs. Lively

When asked their secret, Team Bald was right to the point.

"When your ethnicity invents sports, much less civilization, you have an inherent advantage against inferior peoples. It's just history, sons." - Geef

"We felt bad for those Chauncey's. We tried to employ the mercy rule, but asses kept trying to blaze us. Clearly, they were wasted...BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!" - JTG

"Oh yeah, i forgot...BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA" - Geef

Team bald will put their record on the line in the weeks to come. Any challengers are welcome.

Welcome in that ass...

BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA.... Sons, start blazing that ass' blog. That ass' blog is a subsidiary of Believe It Enterprises (BIE), a PR firm I founded in 2000. Currently, there are 15-20 members of BIE and each add their own degree of insanity and overall lunacy. Basically, the BIE structure is as follows...

Leadership
Founder, Spiritual Advisor - "Geef" (aka Tommy Jacobson, Knife, Night Thrasher Papondopoulus)
Chairman of the Board - "The Jew" (aka JTG)
CEO - "Dugan" (aka Doug E. Doug, Gandolf, Doug E. Fresh, Arthur, Dugan Arthur Dugan aka D.A.D)

Partners
"Santi" - Head of IR
"Ace" - Security, head of SR (steak relations), President of Chauncey Inc., a subsidiary of BIE
"Peltz" - Head of SR (Scottish relations), and NBR (Non-butt relations)
"Dot.com" - Head of PR (Potato-head relations) and FR (firecrotch relaions)

Our comany headquarters are located in "illmington" Delaware, the illest city on the eastern seaboard. Currently, we have offices operating in New York, Northern Pittsburgh (Cleveland), and Wilmington. Pictures and bios of current BIE members will be forthcoming, as will name origins, various "fest's" and our violently classified vernacular.

In addition, various information will be posted about our militant armed wing, Thug Relations "TR". These brutes are solely graduates of St. Elizabeth's High School in Wilmington, DE, a school known more for it's wastedness and thuggery than it's competence. Neverthelesss, they are a loyal pack of toothless cohorts who's goal is to punish those idiots who step to BIE, or TR. Sons, we love that ass'.

TR Leadership
"Poop"
"Machine"
"Lincovitch Wolski"
"Jerms" Forrester"

So stay tuned in that ass, cause joints will be blazed in the ill future...